It’s now the third week of this challenge…does it feel like
it’s been that long. How have you done so far on genuine efforts for initiating
connection with your spouse? Have you noticed any changes, any shifts in either
of your hearts? Or, perhaps, have you come across any new barriers, perhaps
some internal resistances that you weren’t prepared for?
As with any renewed effort or exercise, trying to re-connect
with your spouse will likely bring you both excitements at the new
possibilities as well as reminders of the age-old fears and insecurities that
dwell in the shadows of your heart.
This week’s challenge is focused on your willingness to
learn, both about your spouse’s heart as well as your own experience in the
marriage you are in. As we open our eyes, ears and heart to our spouse, we
begin to connect to the spirit of God’s heart. At His core, God is about
relationship, and relationship is about the freely giving and receiving of one another.
Just as it is important to “lead with love” in marriage with kinds words,
thoughts and actions, it is as equally important to develop the art of “seeking
to understand”. It is amazing to think of how uniquely detailed God knows each
of us (see Jeremiah 1:5; Psalm 139:13; Matthew 10:30) yet how endlessly He
seeks us out and desires to draw ever nearer to our heart.
As a Christian marriage therapist, I have seen the beauty of
many couples softening their hearts towards each other, sometimes in a mere
instant, all because one or both spouses begin to set aside their own agendas
and demands to feel heard, and genuinely seek to understand the other’s heart.
Their entire demeanor changes and it opens an avenue of connection like they
may have never experienced before.The great thing is that it’s not some magic trick nor does
it take a Herculean effort. Rather, it starts with a willingness and trust.
It starts with a willingness to make room for the other
person’s thoughts, feelings and attitudes, even if it’s not what you wanted to
hear. With a willingness to see value in the others perspective and to show
interest in learning not just what or how they did something, but rather what
they experienced while they did it…and perhaps what part in the larger story of
their life it played.
Seeking to understand also takes trust. It takes a sense of
trust that you don’t have to defend yourself or react negatively, rather you can
trust what your spouse’s heart is saying is true…at least for them, and that
God will give the both of you enough love to stand firm against any
misconceptions, transgressions or fears that result in not seeing eye to eye on
a particular issue or event. Being willing to seek to understand takes trust in
your spouse that they too want to hear your heart and will make room for where
you stand, even if they don’t agree with it.
When couples can commit to learning how to trust and how to be
vulnerable, while showing love and respect for each other, it allows the marriage
to become a true safe-haven for sharing from the depths, as well as a fun and
exciting arena to practice expressing different versions of each other’s
personality and desires to be known. To be clear, not all couples are ready for
this depth of honesty, and unfortunately, some spouses refuse to soften their
hearts and make it very difficult to present vulnerability without creating
more damage or wounds in the relationship. If that is the case in your marriage
I strongly encourage you to seek counsel and support from a resource that will
provide safety yet help to draw out the truths that need to be dealt with.
So now it’s time to put this concept of “seeking to
understand” into action.
In its
basic form, what “seeking to understand” looks like in a marriage is as simple
as….interviewing. However, it’s not about playing emotional “go fish” and
looking for a particular answer from your spouse….and it’s definitely not about
jumping right to an action plan once your spouse gives you an answer. Rather learning
to interview your spouse is about seeking out a relational connection, a deeper
understanding about the person and story being told, more than it is about the
facts or details. It is also important to ask interview questions in an
explorative demeanor, using phrases such as “what was it like for you when…?”
or “how was it for you as a…?. Explorative questions will be received much more
lovingly then the unintended interrogative or judgmental tone that the word
“why” can have, such as in questions like “why did you do that?” or “why do you
feel that way?”
Many spouses question
this type of interviewing and suggest that “I’ve already asked them about that”
or “We’ve been together so long that there isn’t anything new to learn”, and in
many ways they are correct. Indeed a sharing of factual information in a
relationship can only go so far because sometimes the answer to the question
may always be the same (i.e. “were you nervous on our first date?” or “what
type of vacations did you go on as a child?”). However, when we share in a
sense of relational information, it is always changing because this type of
sharing is more about the type of experience they had and/or about their
current view of the experience.
As a husband for nearly a decade, and as a professional who
is trained to study people, I have a pretty good grasp on the type of person my
wife is and what to typically expect from her. However, I would be amiss if I
were to only focus on predicting what and how she will do something because I would
likely fail to learn why she did it and what that means about who she is and
the heart she has. A therapeutic term for this type of learning of our spouse
is referred to as their “love maps”. A love map is an abstract concept of a
collection of knowledge about the inner details of your spouse’s inner being,
their inner thoughts and emotions, their little white lies and their deeper
fears as well as dreams. The more a couple actively pursues learning about each
other and creating a detailed knowledge of each other’s “love map” they create
a multitude of connection points and often enjoy each other’s presence and have
a stronger foundation to deal with the trials and struggles in life.
So as I give you various examples of interview questions and
categories to being learning about your spouse, I encourage you to take to
heart the importance of the “heart to” of interviewing with a greater focus on
the “behind the scenes” rather than just the “facts and statistics”.
Here is a list of starting questions in various relationship categories
to choose from. I also recommend “Love Talks” and “Family Talks”
by Gary Chapman, and “Love Talk Starters” by Les & Leslie Parrot. These are a collection of interview questions
with a wide range from the funny to the serious that are great conversation
starters and keep your interest and intrigue alive and active in your marriage
as well as your discussions with your kids.
So there you have it….challenge number three is now in front
of you! I wish you the best and may God continue to bless your efforts for
drawing nearer to your spouse!
Happy Interviewing!
Justin
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