Friday, August 15, 2025

One Week From Today

 

One week from today
will be three days before you see this
and I will be four days into a trip.
A trip a-way out west
between Billings and Phoenix
(as if you all could even give a rip)

The day after you read this
some nuptials will be celebrated
by a couple unknown to you
She's a grandniece of Beloved
He's a fella, highly-rated
and I'm going for the barbecue

Two weeks from today
our journey will be ended
We'll pull into our drive once more
Perhaps I'll wish these
dates could be amended
More likely, I'll collapse down to the floor



Friday, August 8, 2025

All the Clouds Are Tired of Dancin': The 387th Greatest Song

 

So far, this series of posts on Rolling Stone's list of the 500 greatest songs of all time has included many a rewritten lyric, plenty of parodies, and several outright lies.

For Elton John's Tiny Dancer, the WorldWideWackfest has beaten me to it, most notably, with the replacement of "Hold me closer, tiny dancer" with "Hold me closer, Tony Danza."



But what about:

  • Hold my clothes, Sir Tony Danza.
  • Old mean Joseph, mighty Panzer
  • Told my story. Might have pantsed her.
  • Old meat closed her briny answer

But none of these can match trying to make sense out of the actual lyric:

Hold me closer, tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
You had a busy day today

Also known as:

Hang on tight, baby, and try to watch the road for me because I'm going to lie down and take a nap...even though YOU'RE the one who's actually been doing anything at all today.

Ah, Bernie Taupin, you're a master.


Friday, August 1, 2025

What If Spielberg Was in the Star Wars Universe?

 

When I saw this parody poster that injected Stephen Spielberg's original blockbuster Jaws into the entertainment behemoth known as Star Wars, and knowing that Mr. Spielberg and Star Wars creator George Lucas are personal friends, it set my mind to wandering and wondering: What if Spielberg made all his movies part of what took place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Droid Duel  -  A business commuter is pursued and terrorized by a malevolent artoo unit.

Stormtroopers of the Lost Ark  -  Archaeologist Indiana Jones is tasked by the Rebel Alliance to help locate a legendary ancient power, the Ark of the Coruscant, before the Galactic Empire gets it.

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial  -  Technically, this movie is already part of the Star Wars canon.


The Color Purple  -  A whole movie about Mace Windu's very special lightsaber

Empirassic Park  -  An industrialist invites some experts to visit his theme park of cloned tauntauns and banthas. After a power failure, the creatures run loose, putting everyone's lives in danger.

Saving Private Wicket-  Following the Battle for Endor, a group of rebel fighters go behind enemy lines to retrieve an ewok whose brothers have been killed in action.

Friday, July 25, 2025

Amazon Amazement: I'm on the Best Sellers List

 

In an exercise of utter ego and self-importance, and to test-drive the capabilities of Amazon's direct publishing services, I have created an official piece of Almost the Truth merch that you can customize into your own vision of what a book should be.

Because you'll be the one writing it.

It's called a journal, but you can think of it as a diary if you want.

It's called a journal, but you can think of it as a low-tech repository of your ideas.

It's called a journal, but you can  ---  yeah, well...it's a book with 150 blank pages.


But the amazing thing is that it has made Amazon's Best Sellers list!


Wait a minute...I may have cropped that screenshot a little.


There. That's better.

But where it lands in that list has nothing to do with me. Remember, YOU'RE the author!

And here's where you can buy your book: https://a.co/d/ev9ZGP7

150 lined pages for you to write your own stuph on. Document your life. Create analog reminders of your brilliant ideas. Preserve for posterity a turn of phrase, a probing question, or an awesome recipe. The contents of this book are up to you because you're the one writing it...fact or fiction.


Friday, July 18, 2025

Greasepaint Love: The 388th Greatest Song

 

According to Rolling Stone, "Sting came up with the idea for [Roxanne] while wandering around the red-light district of Paris after a canceled show, wondering what it would be like to be in love with a prostitute."

What if he had been wandering around a circus and wondering what it would be like to be in love with a clown?

Sting singing to a female clown


Roxanne
You don't have to put on the red nose
Those days are over
You don't have to seltzer friends through that rose

Roxanne
You don't have to wear those shoes tonight
Flap your feet for money
You don't have to greasepaint your face white

I loved you since you popped out
Of that tiny little car
You think you're just a fool
But I know that you're a star

I know my mind is made up
So put away your make-up
Told you once, I won't tell you again
It's a bad way

Roxanne
You don't have to put on the red nose


Friday, July 11, 2025

Remove a Letter, Ruin a Band

 

What's in a name?

Maybe a lot.

And maybe there's only a single letter difference between a great band name and...well...not a great band name.

Behold, the Almost the Truth List of Bands That Never Would Have Made It


Le Zeppelin  -  ♫♪ Mademoiselle eez climeeng zee stairway to heavonne ♪♫

Ink Floyd  -  Their only album, The Ark Side of the Moo, sounded like a boat full of cows.

The Beach Oys  -  ♫♪ And we'll have fun, fun, fun till the rabbi takes the brisket away ♪♫

Elvs Presley  -  Picture one of Santa's helpers shaking his hips

Nirvan  -  Perhaps appropriately, they sang the jingle for an anti-inflammatory.

Erosmith  -  Okay, I'm a little surprised some sex-crazed garage band hasn't already used this.

The Ho  -  ♫♪ He's a pimping wizard, our money goes to him... ♪♫

Lack Sabbath  -  I don't know...they're just...missing something.

Meallica  -  They specialize in covers of Weird Al's food-related parodies. 

Dire Traits  -  Their biggest hit was "Sultans of DNA".

Alice Coper  -  ♫♪ I'm eighteen! And I'm getting along! ♪♫

Grateful Dad  -  Kind of like Raffi, but for grown-ups

The Doobie Bothers  -  Singing about being disturbed when smoking dope

The Rolling Tones  -  A barbershop quartet in wheelchairs (Not a bad idea!)




Friday, July 4, 2025

#MakeAMovieUnderwhelming Deux

 

Ten years ago yesterday, I published a list on this topic. It may be high time for a second edition.

So hi, Time, and welcome to a world where Hollywood just isn't as exciting as it thinks it is.


  • The Demi-God Father
  • The Dark Serf
  • 12 Slightly-Miffed Men
  • The Good, the Bad, and the Nondescript
  • Heated Argument Club
  • One Stepped Over the Cuckoo's Nest
  • 6ix
  • It's an Okay Life
  • The Green Furlong
  • The Accordionist
  • Sadiator
  • The Stray Cat King
  • Raiders of the Temporarily-Misplaced Suitcase

  • Average Will Hunting
  • Bravekidney
  • Singin' in the 20% Chance of Showers
  • Larry of Arcadia
  • Full Plastic Jacket
  • To Sicken a Mockingbird
  • The Chihuahua of Wall Street
  • A Fistful of Dimes
  • Some Like It Lukewarm
  • The Fifth Sense
  • The Fourth Element
  • Looking for Nemo
  • Thousand Dollar Baby
  • How to Train Your Dragonfly
  • Mr. Smith Goes to Topeka
  • Star Disagreements Episode Five: The HOA Retaliates