If only climate change was always controllable by the turning of a knob. We might not quite have all of nature's powers under our command just yet, but we can at least now turn a nippy October evening into an August scorcher by popping down to B&Q or wherever and spending £100 on a patio heater, or an "alfresco appliance" as some in the seasons-denying trade now call them.
In the short time they've been available for domestic users, they've quickly come to be one of the defining symbols of why, at the beginning of the 21st century, we still haven't really got the hang of this long-term thinking lark. Or why we just can't accept the fact that we live at the same latitude as Newfoundland and not New Delhi. Why wait a few decades before global warming starts to take the chill off our autumn air when we can just crank our patio heater up to gas mark six and bring some extra greenhouse gases - or should that be, in this case, gazebo gases? - to the party right now.
The reality is that each heater can kick out the equivalent emissions of a speeding truck but, unlike with vehicles, there is nothing filtering or reducing their polluting gases. They're extremely energy inefficient, too. A standard 13kg canister of natural gas will warm an area outside of up to 25 sq m for 12 hours, whereas the same canister used in a gas fire could heat the same area indoors for 10 times longer. Standing in the garden with a hair dryer pointed about one's body might make more sense, because at least the heat source would be directed towards the target instead of just radiating up into the heavens.
That sales of these things are growing is enough to leave environmentalists puce with frustration. "It is hard to imagine a device that inflicts more gratuitous damage on the environment," said Friends of the Earth director Tony Juniper last year after Elliot Morley, the environment minister, branded patio heaters a "real luxury", adding that "at a time when we're struggling to combat climate change there has to be a question as to whether we really need things that heat up the outdoors".
Questions were even put to Morley in parliament this summer asking how many patio heaters there are now in the UK, and what damage they might be doing. The answer given was 630,000 in use in homes and between 26,000 and 105,000 in the hospitality sector. According to the figures from the Market Transformation Programme, an agency that supports the government in developing a policy on sustainable products, the total energy output by the UK's patio heaters is between 950 and 1770GWh (gigawatt-hours). Or in terms of annual carbon dioxide emissions, between 200,000 and 380,000 tonnes. That roughly negates all the savings in CO2 emissions made in 2003 after pollution-reducing company car tax reforms were first introduced.
The message is far from getting through, though. One delightful irony is that one of the bestselling patio heaters in the country is called the "Sahara Big Burn". Never could this product be accused of contravening the trade descriptions act.
The industry advice given to new users demonstrates clearly how far we still have to go before the link is routinely made by all that individual actions are directly linked to climate change. For example, Calor Gas, which must be warmed to the cockles by the patio-heater boom, offers some do- people-really-need-to-be-told-this advice on its website's "Alfresco Appliances and the Environment" section. Here are some of its "simple guidelines to help you to enjoy an alfresco lifestyle whilst, at the same time, taking care of the wider environment": turn your interior heating systems down while you are outside; wear sensible outdoor clothing and turn your patio heater off if the weather warms up; position your patio heater away from strong winds. And my particular favourite: "Finally, when you have finished outside, remember to turn your alfresco appliances OFF!"
· You say ...
Miles Halpin, by email No. Never. Ever. Put on a jumper, and if you really still can't stand the cold, make a wood fire or just go inside.
C Parks, Gloucestershire If you really can't do by just putting on some extra layers, use a heat source that is fired by a more sustainable fuel such as wood or charcoal. Can you imagine strikers manning the picket lines using a patio heater instead of a brazier to keep their spirits up in mid-winter? Some things are just plain wrong, whichever way you look at them.
Next week: burial or cremation?
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