I have been remiss. I have thought of writing many times. I have begged to a voiceless sky to feel inspired. I have been in a sort of tornado of self-destruct. It’s difficult now to go back and retell what it was like while in it, but I will try.
Here’s what I remember...
I remember being so alive in the process of writing these entries. Sharing my experience and hearing that it had in turn inspired you. I remember feeling like I can do 'this' and wherever it might lead in the end would be enough. The journey is enough. I felt the inspiration to write as deeply as I felt the inspiration to play. I wanted to write you everyday! And then I remember the thought that decided writing everyday was too much and would overwhelm you and who am I to share everyday like that? So, innocently I decided to limit my entries to once a week. Note the official stopping of flow, dressed in a faux-logical costume of usual mind chatter! For it has been many weeks since I’ve written and I have been the worse for it. Sabotage Phase 1 complete.
Whilst I had decided not to write too much, interesting other things happened. Things which contributed to this perfect storm of said self-destructing tornado. Not least of them being the all too familiar, saboteur tactic of becoming enthralled with an utterly emotionally unavailable man. Perhaps I should write an entry titled “Sleeping with an Unavailable Man Will Break Your Heart”...perhaps, I will. Well, wait, heartbreak is a bit strong. I’d like to be more clear and honest here, he didn’t break my heart, in fact, if anything I broke my own heart. Life, after all, is often a mirror of that which lies under the surface of my psyche. I could’ve known better had I wanted to but, well...this is evidence of the dreamy me, the one with the fiery passion that wants to ‘become the music’ and break all the rules. The one that quite possibly views stability as death by boredom. The creator of the revolving door of men who show up in one way, for one thing. Keeping me distracted just enough. While I am left trying to reconcile how it could be over before it really even began and that maybe, the tender kiss he placed on my neck that felt so sweet was simply that, and meant nothing more.
I am reminded of the power of self-deception. There is no void that can be filled by anyone other than Self.
Sabotage Phase 2 complete.
Stiff upper cut...
Songs While Writing: (click on songs to link)
Billie Holiday
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